By
MRS. WILLIE DAY PADGITT
Coleman, Texas.
1917 (As revised 1927)
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that "WOMANLESS DIVORCE CASE," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, the British Empire, and other countries of the Copyright Union, is subject to a royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the consent of the owners or their authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Applications for all acting rights must be made to Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt, Coleman, Texas.
Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book without a valid contract for production first having been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or in private for gain or charity.
In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance, representation, production, recitation, or public reading, or radio broadcasting may be given except by special arrangement with Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt, Coleman, Texas.
This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of Ten Dollars for each performance, payable to Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt, one week before the date when the play is given.
Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play. "Produced by special arrangement with the author, Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt."
Attention is called to the penalty provided by law for any infringement of the author's rights, as follows:
"SECTION 4966:—Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages, in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year."—U. S. Revised Statutes: Title 60, Chap. 3.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(Given in the order in which they appear)
JUDGE:
BAILIFF:
CLERK:
JURESSES:
SCENE
(A Modern Court Room)
TIME
(The Present.)
DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS
THE JURY: Men dressed as women burlesquing a woman jury.
THE PLAINTIFF, OR WIFE: A large man dressed as a woman, as fancy may dictate.
THE DEFENDANT, OR HUSBAND: He should be a small man in contrast to large wife, and dressed with clothes much too large for him to emphasize his size.
THE MOTHER: Is dressed as a woman burlesquing mother-in-law.
THE MANICURIST: Dressed as a vamp and flapper of the day.
THE BAILIFF: Wears a big star on his breast.
THE LAWYERS: Dressed to burlesque the old time lawyer, long tail coat, arm full of books, etc.
THE JUDGE: A modern character.
THE CLERK: A modern character.
(All characters taken by men)
SYNOPSIS OF SCENE
A Court room scene with table and chairs, etc.
Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book without a valid contract for production first having been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or in private for gain or charity.
In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance, representation, production, recitation, or public reading, or radio broadcasting may be given except by special arrangement with Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt, Coleman, Texas.
This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of Ten Dollars for each performance, payable to Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt, one week before the date when the play is given.
Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play. "Produced by special arrangement with the author, Mrs. Willie Day Padgitt."
Attention is called to the penalty provided by law for any infringement of the author's rights, as follows:
"SECTION 4966:—Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages, in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year."—U. S. Revised Statutes: Title 60, Chap. 3.
(Given in the order in which they appear)
JUDGE:
BAILIFF:
CLERK:
JURESSES:
Mrs. McFearson
Mrs. Gump
Miss Skitivitch
Mrs. Jiggs
Mrs. Jeff
Mrs. Muckenfuss
Mrs. Mutt
MR. DO LITTLE
Mrs. Gump
Miss Skitivitch
Mrs. Jiggs
Mrs. Jeff
Mrs. Muckenfuss
Mrs. Mutt
Attorney for Plaintiff
MR. CHEATEM
Attorney for Defendant
PLAINTIFF
Wife
MOTHER
Mother of Plaintiff
DEFENDANT
Husband
LEAN-A-LITTLE-CLOSER
Manicurist
(A Modern Court Room)
(The Present.)
THE JURY: Men dressed as women burlesquing a woman jury.
THE PLAINTIFF, OR WIFE: A large man dressed as a woman, as fancy may dictate.
THE DEFENDANT, OR HUSBAND: He should be a small man in contrast to large wife, and dressed with clothes much too large for him to emphasize his size.
THE MOTHER: Is dressed as a woman burlesquing mother-in-law.
THE MANICURIST: Dressed as a vamp and flapper of the day.
THE BAILIFF: Wears a big star on his breast.
THE LAWYERS: Dressed to burlesque the old time lawyer, long tail coat, arm full of books, etc.
THE JUDGE: A modern character.
THE CLERK: A modern character.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENE
A Court room scene with table and chairs, etc.
ACT ONE
Curtain rises, Judge with feet on desk or table, leans back asleep in chair. A standing floor lamp is at his left, with bright shade, under which he snores loudly. Clerk seated at table is busy with papers. Bailiff at left stage arranges chairs etc., crosses to right, walks back and forth, arranges other chairs, showing signs of nervousness. Bailiff looks at watch several times, looks at Judge, who continues to snore loudly, then finally taps the Judge on the foot arousing him.
JUDGE. (Startled and half awake), I call you. I call you. Five aces up. (Rubbing his eyes, he realizes just where he is), Oh! I see! I see! What's the matter? (Shows embarrassment).
BAILIFF. Time to open Court, Judge. Your Honor.
JUDGE. (Straightening up, pulls himself together in a very dignified way, clears throat, adjusts nose glasses, raps on table with gavel.) Alright. Do your stuff Bailiff. What does this county pay you eighteen a week for anyway?
BAILIFF. (Crosses over to left front, looks at watch and faces audience.) Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! This Dishonorable Hocuspocus Court of the State of Nonsense, County of Laughter, is now open for the dispatch of business, relevant and otherwise.
JUDGE. (Busy with papers, turns, looks over glasses at Clerk, who is also busy with papers.) What's on the docket Clerk?
CLERK. (Stands and reads.) Amanda Sarah Ann Gussett vs. Cicero Adenoid Gussett. Suit for divorce, custody and possession of a Chevrolet, alimony, heart balm, personal damages, attorney's fee, and—
JUDGE. Stop! That's enough. We'll only handle the first installment today. Bailiff, bring in the Juryses and the principals.
BAILIFF. (Still standing at left front of stage, faces audience,) Your Honor! The dishonorable Jury.
JURY. (The Jury enter one by one from the main door or entrance to the building or hall. As march music begins this door opens, and some distance apart they march down the center aisle, giving the audience a good chance to view each one as they pass. They enter upon stage by steps leading up on the left hand side. As each one enters she tries to shake hands with the Judge, who with nervous embarrassment rises and motions for them to be seated. With some confusion all the Jury is finally seated. More attention is given to powder and lip stick than business. Gossiping prevails.)
BAILIFF. Your Honor! The Attorneys in the case.
ATTORNEYS. (Burlesquing the old time lawyer wearing a long tail coat, carrying an arm full of law books etc. They enter the same as Jury, march down center aisle, to music, and by steps on stage. They address Judge and after disposing of books on table, they try to shake hands with the Jury, but they are interrupted by Judge. Attorneys take their seats.)
JUDGE. (Raps with gavel.) You will not be familiar with the Jury, please. This is not pink tea, this is a Court.
BAILIFF. Your Honor. The Plaintiff and her mother. (They enter by door as others, and to strains of "Here comes the Bride", they march down center aisle. The Plaintiff leans on the mother's arm sobbing. Mother tries to pacify her. By the steps leading up to stage they enter and cross over, take seat by lawyer for Plaintiff. Bailiff and lawyer arrange chairs and finally they all pacify her. Jury gossip and point.)
BAIFIFF. Your Honor. The poor misguided simp in the case, the husband and defendant. (Enters by himself, same as others. Music selected. Might use Prisoner's Song. Defendant is small man with clothes sizes too large for him. Stumbling up steps he takes his seat by his attorney. Looks longingly at his wife, who sits weeping. Jury nod and point.)
BAILIFF. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Lean-A-Little-Closer. Home breaker—Manicurist, St. George Barbershop. (She trips down aisle to gay music. Flirts with those she passes. Enters on to stage by steps. Judge meets her at top of steps and tries to assist her and escorts her to witness stand. She flirts with lawyers and chuckles Judge under chin. Judge likes it. She sits with legs crossed, flapper fashion, showing bare knees. Judge hands her a glass of water and is otherwise solicitous.)
JUDGE. Bailiff (Raps on table), please see that proper decorum is observed in this Court by the Co Respondent. She's not on duty now. This is a Court, not a barber shop.
JUDGE. We will all stand and sing our National Anthem. (All stand and sing.)
ALL. "Hail, Hail, the gang's all here,"JUDGE (Raps on table.) Order in the Court. We will now proceed with the usual business. (All sit.)
Put away your troubles,
They are only bubbles,
Hail, Hail, the gang's all here,
Let us have a good time now.
Hail, Hail, the gang's all here,
Never mind the weather,
Here we are together,
Hail, Hail, the gang's all here,
Let the trouble start right now.
MANICURIST. Oh! Judge! (Very affected) I am so temperamental. My work is of such a high artistic nature that the crude and vulgar atmosphere of a cruel court room almost suffocates me.—And the cuspidor;—won't you please move it? (Judge grabs cuspidor and starts to take it off.) Just a little closer, there Judge.
JUDGE. Clerk, I'll handle this witness myself, (Tenderly and solicitous, directing questions to witness, takes out note book), And what is your address? And telephone number please? (As Judge makes a note of this she leans over and whispers in his ear. Judge leans over to listen and nods.) And when did you say you were off duty? (She leans over and whispers again. He listens and nods.) Do you like Chevrolet Coupes?
MANICURIST. (In ecstasy) Oh! Judge! I'd just love to have one.
JUDGE. I mean (Clears throat). To ride in.
MANICURIST. (With affectation) Oh! Judge! You darling, you look so big, and strong, I just love big, strong men like you. (Leans over very affectionately.) (Jury look at each other and nod knowingly.)
JUDGE. (Raps with gavel) Let's have more order in the court, please. Bailiff, hold this witness over after Court adjourns. I shall have to discipline her in a little Court etiquette. (Judge escorts her from stand and off of stage. Exit right by wing at right front.) (Jury all turn their eyes following him. They look off stage surprised and nod to each other. The Judge returns wiping his mouth and brushing the front of his coat with handkerchief, takes seat, puts flower in lapel of coat.)
JURY. (Sneeze.)
JUDGE. (Indignantly raps with gavel) Order please, this Court is not to be sneezed at.—Remember that.—(Raps again.)
JUDGE. Clerk, call the roll of the Jury.
CLERK. (Reads,) Mrs. Muckenfuss, Mrs. Jiggs, Miss Skitivitch, Mrs. Gump, Mrs. Mutt, Mrs. Jeff, Mrs. McFearson (As each name is called they answer present.)
CLERK. All here Your Honor.
JUDGE. The Jury will now stand and be sworn. (Jury stand. They busy themselves with powder and lip stick, paying little attention to Judge.)
JUDGE. Will the Jury be sworn? (Jury faces Judge and all hold up both hands.)
JUDGE. (Administers oath reads) Gentlewomen of the Jury, fair damsels and victims of an unjust ballet: do you solemnly promise that the verdict you shall render in this unimportant case shall be governed by all the imps of spite, hatred, jealousy, and temperamental fits, and spells, and you shall be guided by intuition rather than reason, and that you will try this case according to law, provided it does not interfere with your own ideas and not herein be governed by the evidence of testimony, unless it suits you? So help you the Eighteenth Amendment.
JURY. (All say) I will.
JUDGE. Be seated.
JUDGE. Fair disciples of the New Emancipation, be there any unjust reason why any of you cannot, or should not, serve on this Jury?
MISS SKITIVITCH: I am afraid, Your Honor, that I am prejudiced.
JUDGE. You look prejudiced—against—good looks, But what else?
MISS SKITIVITCH. Against—men, Sir, married men.
JUDGE. Married men (Surprised). And why?
MISS SKITIVITCH. Married men are all such base deceivers. The selfish things. I could have had a darling little love nest years ago if it had not been for the selfishness of the deceitful things. They do not appreciate a nice deserving girl like me. (Boo-hoo) (Sits) (Boo-hoo) (She sits.)
JUDGE. You seem to be a perfect 28—But maybe you don't roll your own—and—
MISS SKITIVITCH. Oh! Judge! I am just a girl. Just a shy modest girl, trying to get along, but men, the vain deceitful wretches. I tried so hard to catch one, but they just wouldn't, (Boo-hoo) (Boo-hoo) (She sits.)
JUDGE. Thank goodness the drought is broken at last. Any further discussion?
MRS. MUCKENFUSS. (Out of breath and very excited.) Judge, that woman over there (Points at Plantiff), sobbing upon that two faced, hypocrite's arm. I want you to know they are my best friends, Judge, but I just can't stand some of the things they do. I just love both of them, and would trust them with anything anywhere, but my husband isn't safe with that vamp in the neighborhood. Furthermore, Judge, It's just a lot of cheap notoriety seeking that brings that Gussett woman into this Court. That mother of her's just wants her picture in the paper. I thought she would be satisfied when she stuffed the ballot at the Writers' Club and got elected second assistant to the Secretary, but Judge, she just won't—
MOTHER. (Jumps up and interferes.) And it was your children who threw the dead cats in our cistern. Judge, we are the best friends, and both belong to the Wednesday morning Self Culture Club, but as neighbors, she's simply too—
JUDGE. (Raps on table.) Yes, I see that you are friends, but I shall have to over rule the objections, and we will now proceed with the case. This is not time for neighborhood gossip. (Mother sits)
JUDGE. (Addressing Mrs. Muckenfuss, who is still standing.) Are you a member of the Writers' Club?
MRS. MUCKENFUSS. Oh! Yes Judge! I write.
JUDGE. What do you write?
MRS. MUCKENFUSS. What do I write? (Somewhat confused) Let me see, I write—checks.
JUDGE: I don't mean that. I mean what articles have you?
MRS. MUCKENFUSS. (Confused) Oh! Yes! This vanity is my best article.
JUDGE. Yes, I should say vanity was your best. That will do. Be seated.
JUDGE. (Address Jury) Can each of you read and write the Profane Language?
JURY: Yes.
JUDGE. Is it not a fact that all of you have received a bribe in this case?
JURY. Yes (Contradicting themselves), No.
JUDGE. Have either of you any hankering directly or indirectly towards the defendant in this case?
MISS. SKITIVITCH. Oh! Judge! I have had time to reconsider. I'm sure I was a little too hasty awhile ago. I withdraw my complaint about Mr. Gussett. He's such a nice, big, strong man, I think the dear man should be freed and given another chance. He needs some good, deserving girl like me to look after him, and one more unattached man in the neighborhood wouldn't hurt. (Sits)
JUDGE. What do the lawyers say?
MR. CHEATEM. I'm satisfied Your Honor.
MR. DO LITTLE. I'm nervous, Your Honor, I have never pleaded a case before a woman Jury. You see—women—you can't—they won't—
JUDGE: I see, Mr. Do Little, (emphasis on the Do and Little) You are married. You can't tell just what women will do these days. Just go ahead and do your worst. Let's have the Plaintiff's petition for divorce.
MR. DO LITTLE. (Stands and reades petition.)
In the Hocuspocus Court of the State of Nonsense, County of Laughter. Your petitioner, Amanda Sarah Ann Gussett, who is a resident citizen of the said State of Nonsense, County of Laughter, who will hereinafter be styled Plaintiff, complaining of Cicero Adenoid Gussett, who is also a resident citizen of the State of Nonsense and County of Laughter, and who will hereinafter by styled Defendant, for cause of action, respectfully represents as followers:
1. WHEREAS, TO-WIT: Whereof and wherefore, Plaintiff represents and says; that she and the defendant committed matrimony in a womanless wedding for the benefit of some fool thing, on or about the second Tuesday after the full moon in August, and during the ceremony the vast audience looked upon them as husband and wife, and during the time the vast audience looked upon the Plaintiff and Defendant as husband and wife the Plaintiff leaned upon his left arm like a clinging vine, accepted the brass ring which he had not yet paid for, giving him no legal or just cause to treat her with the cruelties and wrongs as hereinafter alleged.
2. The Plaintiff further alleges that she has been compelled upon divers occasions to absent herself from the presence of the Defendant, times too numerous to mention, on account of Hoyt's German Cologne, and free indulgence in bears grease, to say nothing of not washing his feet.
3. Plaintiff further states Defendant came to her and asked forgiveness for the use of Hoyt's German Cologne and bears grease, promising Plaintiff that he would wash his feet the next Saturday night regardless of the weather. He would treat her kindly, wash his feet, mortgage his home, and take her to the movies. Upon such promises she forgave him.
4. The Defendant did not fulfill his promises, but spent much time at the movies gazing upon the fair creatures upon the screen without the consent of Plaintiff, such acts being illegal and unlawful and caused the Plaintiff great mental distress and physical suffering from jealously.
5. That in addition to the foregoing cruelties, the Plaintiff further states and sets forth that the Defendant has never taken her for a ride around the Square in his Chevrolet, although gasoline might be $2.00 per.
WHEREFORE, Plaintiff prays for judgment of this Court upon final hearing hereof, for Divorce, custody of the Chevrolet, Attorneys' fee, Alimony, Heart Balm, etc.
DO LITTLE & CHARGE, Attys. for Plaintiff.
CHEATEM. Amanda Sarah Ann Gussett, No. 6666, vs. Cicero Adenoid Gussett.
In the Hocuspocus Court of the State of Nonsense and County of Laughter, Present Term.
Now comes this big, strong, robust, manly husband and excepts to all the Plaintiff's Original Petition herein on file, and says same is no cause for action against this blockhead, and of this he prays judgment of this Court.
Catchem & Cheatem,
Att'y for Defendant.
Att'y for Defendant.
DEFENDANT. Your Honor, I have something to say. Something that will have quite a bearing on the evidence in this case, (pulls telegram from pocket, but is pushed back in seat by his attorney, who won't listen to him, but returns to his chair)
PLAINTIFF. (Very emotional) Oh! Adenoid, how could you. How could you. You whose cold and calloused feet I have cuddled in foot warmers so often. Whose dear old Adam's apple I have watched with amazement and adoration as you drank your morning Postum. Why, Adenoid—(Is interrupted by her attorney sitting her down, whispering to her and calming her.)
DEFENDANT: Your Honor, I must have a word with my wife. We have been separated (Is interrupted by Mother-in-law.)
MOTHER: No, you brute. (Petting and caressing daughter) My poor, little, broken doll. My darling, little crushed flower. It was I who came to your house while you were away flirting with those vile women on the screen. It was I who packed her things and brought her home. You cruel, inhuman wretch. You miserable ingrate. You impossible creature, soaked in bears grease, and Hoyt's German Cologne. I came to my little girl to live with her so that I could advise with her and protect her, and you,—you nearly drove me insane with your stinky cologne, vile pipe and saxophone lessons, and you wouldn't wash your feet, or let little Mange sleep in your den simply because he is shedding. My poor little girl, to think what a narrow escape you've had. (Sits)
JUDGE. Just a minute Madam, just a minute. Will the Plaintiff please take the stand and be sworn?
PLAINTIFF. Oh! Judge! (Pleadingly) I don't want to swear. (Becomes very excited. Is calmed by mother)
MOTHER. I'll do all the swearing for this family.
JUDGE. Take the stand Madam. (Mother takes stand. Holds both hands up.)
JUDGE. Do you solemnly promise to forget that you are the Mother-in-law in this case, so help you by all the gossip and slander you can start in your neighborhood.
MOTHER. I can never forget that he (Pointing to Defendant) is my Son-in-law.
CHEATEM. What is your particular status in this case?
MOTHER. I am the Mother-in-law in the case.
CHEATEM. Do you love the Defendant?
MOTHER. Didn't I just say I was his Mother-in-law.
CHEATEM. Do you wish this decree to be granted?
MOTHER. Yes,—with Alimony, Attorneys' fee, Chevrolet, Heart Balm, and everything.
CHEATEM. Are you any part of a real woman?
MOTHER: (Emphatically) I am.
DO LITTLE: I object, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Objections over ruled. (Raps with gavel.)
CHEATEM. State what part.
MOTHER. (Very much embarrassed and timid) Oh Judge! Must I tell?
JUDGE. (Somewhat embarrassed and confused, clears throat) The witness seems somewhat undecided. Objections sustained.
CHEATEM: Has anyone given you printed questions to answer?
MOTHER: Yes.
CHEATEM. Where are they?
MOTHER. (Reaches down in bosom, Judge hurriedly stops her.)
JUDGE. That will do. We will have the next witness. Proceed with the case.
(Defendant takes stand)
DO LITTLE. What is your name?
DEFENDANT. (Very timid, with high voice) Cicero Adenoid Gussett.
DO LITTLE. What is your business?
DEFENDANT. At present acting the fool and simple simp and poor devil in this case.
DO LITTLE. This is a suit against you for divorce and custody of a Chevrolet, based on alleged excesses and outrageous use of Hoyt's German Cologne and bears grease. Now state fully what you used, how you used it, and where you used it.
CHEATEM. I object Your Honor.
JUDGE. Objections over ruled.
DO LITTLE. State what you used.
DEFENDANT. I used my barber's advice.
DO LITTLE. Where?
CHEATEM. I object Your Honor.
JUDGE. Objection over ruled.
DEFENDANT. Somewhere between the Court House and the Post Office.
JUDGE. (Gets up and smells the top of his head, puts handkerchief to nose and turns away.) That will do. Take him away. Witness excused. (Defendant returns to seat.)
JUDGE. All the evidence in?
DO LITTLE: I am satisfied.
CHEATEM. I rest my case.
JUDGE. The Attorneys will now sum up the case.
DO LITTLE. Dear, fair creatures, splendid specimens of this manless Jury, I shudder when I think of the great responsibility that rests upon you. My fair creatures, it is for you to say whether this beautiful young girl sitting here is to be freed from that monster beside counsel for the Defense, or to be required to live with the unspeakable tyrant and daily he subjected to bears grease and Hoyt's German Cologne, humiliations, and indignities beyond the power of the strongest of humanity to stand. Clothed with the innocency of childhood she comes, and with tear drops in her eyes. See my dear Jury, how the tears drop, and she tells you the horrible truth. You can look at her and realize that it is impossible for her to have spoken anything other than the necked truth. And think of the cruel and malicious use of Hoyt's German Cologne, obnoxious use of bears grease that was hers to endure. A cruelty too great for any of you, my dear sisters, to bear. Bears grease. Can you think of it. My dear, fair damsels, I only ask you to stop, and yes, smell if you please. Just smell. I only ask you what do you smell? Judge, what did you smell?
This clinging vine, this Plaintiff, this love bird, now comes seeking a Divorce, Alimony, Heart Balm, and Attorney's fees. I only ask you to stop and consider. Did he wash his feet? My dear, fair Sisters, members of this noble Jury, I ask you the question; Did he?
The perfume on the breezes blow,
Silently answering your question No.
CHEATEM. Dearly Beloved,—this is indeed a solemn occasion, fraught with the possibilities of the direst sort of consequences. This big, strong, virile exponent of robust manhood—thoughtful, affectionate, humble, cringing and docile, possessed of all the attributes of a perfect husband, abused, misused, jeered at, and finally driven from his own fireside, think you from his own fireside, comes and denies that part of Plaintiff's Petition in which Plaintiff charges this strong, but gentle creature with excesses cruel treatment and outrageous and malicious conduct towards Plaintiff of such a nature as to render their names being associated together for further benefit insupportable.
He says he has treated his clinging vine kindly, and under her foot he has been a door mat, a door mat, ladies of the Jury, with the welcome side up, and of this he prays judgement of this Court.
Further answering herein comes this poor devil and denies that part of second paragraph of Plaintiffs original petition wherein plaintiff says that during the ceremony, and the time that vast audience looked upon them as two trusting and unsophisticated young things, the Plaintiff did not lean, like a clinging vine upon his left arm, but lopped there on, gentle women, fair creatures of the Jury, think of it, lopped there on, like a ton of coal, a ton of coal, can you think of it, a ton of coal, a weight too heavy for him to bear: but notwithstanding all of this he still wore a smile that would not come off, and of this he prays judgment of the Court. Bruised, bleeding and desperate he comes, holes in his socks, (takes off his shoe) buttons off his shirt, (opens his shirt) all things formerly ministered unto tenderly by the delft touch a feminine hand.—He came, and sought refuge, and for a consideration, I gave it him, and here he is, broken, groveling in the dust of his humility, begging for only the crumbs at this feast of Justice.
Your Honor, 'tis unfair to compel this defendant to submit his case to such a Juress, for my client is doomed to be damed by this Jury if facts only are considered. His only hope rests in prejudice.
This doting couple—these two little love birds, both equipped with their eugenic certificates—their little barque of love being tossed so rudely on the matrimonial breakers—(Pleadingly) Mothers, Aunts, Wives and Sisters—throw out the life line and help to anchor them again within the haven of their misguided innocence. (Jury become very much effected, Mrs. Muckenfuss sobs and cries, water pours on floor from wet sponge in her large handkerchief), Render that woman impotent of further devilment—she is but static on the wave lengths of true love, and no two young vibrant hearts can ever tune in on the heavenly symphony while she's loose on the air. (Very dramatically)
Oh Hymen from thine altar,
Look down upon this scene,
Release thy bolts of anger
And hit her on the bean.
Oh Jury sweet and pretty
Don't give her this decree,
For if I do not win this case,
I will not get my fee.
Oh, Judge, demure, yet dapper,
Hear while I plead my cause,
If this woman wins this case,
There won't be no Santy Claus.
JUDGE. Gentlewomen of the Jury—it devolves on me to charge you. The charge to this Jury shall be in keeping with the price of the seats, at the box office and the policy of these Attorneys, which is in all cases most extortionate and exorbitant. You must realize that in this case you have in your hands the destiny of two love birds, one a young beautiful girl, the other, if you were to believe the evidence that has been presented, is a veritable Sampson, parading over the face of the earth without fear, and crushing hearts as he goes.
Through the brilliant efforts of this council, this case has been unfairly submitted to you. The witnesses have been over awed, intimidated and coerced, and their impossible nonsensical testimony is not to be considered unless you so desire. You are instructed that the proceeding and foregoing are in substance and effect the material allegations in Plaintiff's petition, and upon which his feminine masculinity, relies for a divorce.
The question for your determination, splendid specimens of manless Jury, is whether or not said allegations are true. If you find said lies are true, you will so state. If you find said truths are lies, you will so state.
You are the exclusive judges, my fair creatures of the Jury, of the facts provided the credibility of the witnesses and the weight to be given their false testimony.
But the law contained in this charge you must receive from this honorable Court and be governed thereby, and do as you please, which this court thinks you will do anyway.
JURY. (File out as they came in, down steps and center aisle, one by one, to music selected.)
DEFENDANT. (Addressing Judge after Jury have retired) Your Honour, (Is recognized by Judge) now that the Jury is out, I can probably get an intelligent hearing. I have something of a very important nature bearing upon this case to bring before the Court. (Takes telegram from pocket) My wife and I have been separated for three months prior to this suit, but this morning I received this telegram. "My Own Little Adenoid. My heart bleeds. Come back to your Hotsy-Totsy, and we will send mother home and live happily ever afterwards. I love you, I love you, I love you. Your own Little Pumkins." Your Honor, I love my wife. (Extends hands towards her. She runs to him and they lock in fond embrace. Plaintiff sits with Defendant on her lap, facing audience. Mother gives a scream and faints in arms of Attorney for Plaintiff. He holds her and fans her.) (A loud knock at the door.)
JUDGE. Bailiff attend the alarm at the door.
BAILIFF. Your Honor, it's the foreman of the Jury with a verdict. (Re-enter Jury on stage as before to music.)
JURY. (Foreman) The verdict, your Honor. (Hands it to Judge.)
JUDGE. A verdict in the face of a situation like this. (Points to Plaintiff and Defendant, who are oblivious to all.)
(All come forward and sing "Goodnight Ladies.")
(From left to right,)
Mrs. McFearson, Mrs. Gump, Mrs. Jeff, Mrs. Mutt, Mrs. Jiggs, Miss Skitivitch, Mrs. Muckenfuss, Judge, Manicurist, Mr. Cheatem, Defendant, Plaintiff, Mr. Do Little, Mother, Clerk, Bailiff.
Good night, ladies! Good night, ladies! Good night, ladies!
We're going to leave you now.
Mer-ri-ly we roll a long, roll a long, roll a long,
Mer-ri-ly we roll a long, O'er the deep blue sea.
Sweet dreams, ladies! Sweet dreams, ladies! Sweet dreams, ladies!
We're going to leave you now.
Mer-ri-ly we roll a long, roll a long, roll a long,
Mer-ri-ly we roll a long, O'er the deep blue sea."CURTAIN"
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